Friday, August 23, 2013

How To Say It

I'm sitting in the dark of my apartment living-room.  I don't know what I'm going to say, what words I'm going to put here.  I know only that I need to write.  I need to write because it's in me, because it's good, and a reminder of all things good, and because my Mom, my sweet Momma, was so supportive of my writing, and so proud.  She saw something in me, and she pushed me to pursue it, the push I needed... the push I'm feeling dreadfully alone without.

I'm so weary of these emotions, these heavy, weighted emotions.  But, they're not done with me yet.
Not yet.

It's so difficult to see God's goodness anymore, even though I've seen so much of it, been blessed so strongly by it.  Now, in the dark, in the depth of this intolerable loneliness, it's difficult to trust that goodness.

This is heavy ya'll, and I'm sorry.  I don't want to grouch.  I want to say sweet, artistic, heart-blessing things.  But I have to tell the truth.

The truth is, life isn't easy.  Life hurts.  And I wish it would stop.

And, yet, deep down, there is goodness.  There is, because it was goodness that led me to open my computer, to ease my grief with the pressing of words onto this page, to open the black box of my loneliness, and share.

Because, dear readers, we must always share.  The hurt and the hope, the cold and the warmth, the truth, heavy, hard, and sweet.  Bittersweet.  But still sweet.

And all this heaviness, the broken words scattered here, are tokens of the goodness that will never leave us, nor forsake us.

A goodness I will find again, someday.

Thanks for listening,

-  Emma Pearl

And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord.  And his delight shall be in the fear of the Lord. - Isaiah 11:2


Grace Kathleen said...

So beautifully put and so very true. Love you sis. :)

emme said...


This hurt my heart a bit as I read it, simply because I've been there & can understand those feelings. I hate to admit it, and often, am a bit ashamed to, but I still struggle sometimes. Sometimes a lot...sometimes I can go long stretches in between. I wish you weren't so far away & I could come & sit with you. I know that I can't say anything that can make these situations any better, but I hope that the fact that I understand & wish to be there for you might comfort you in some small way. I love you, dearest.

Unknown said...

Praying for you right now, Emma...I love you! -Abby Baker in Arkansas

Emma Pearl said...

Thanks everyone, for your prayers and sweet comments. :) You are all dear to my heart.


Unknown said...

Emma, just returned from our stay at Ramblewood and visiting our mentors and surrogate parents, Lloyd and Pearl. The Lord prompted us to make the visit. We thought we were going to minister to them (and hopefully, we did!), but He surprised us by refreshing us, refocusing us, and renewing our spirits. He used that home to do it. The life, beauty, hope, and energy that is infused in that home coursed through my soul, knocking down cobwebs, polishing windows of insights and ushering in peace and calm. I pray that the legacy of truth and life that you've been reared in surrounds you and girds you up as life surprises you and challenges you. Honesty and transparency are your gifts at this time. He is there. Bless you, Diane Van Reed